Happy. healthy. honorable. kind. loyal.

my 5 words for baby Smith.

I wake up, I breathe into them.

I lay down, I speak them to little Smith.

As my life evolves, I realize that these 5 words:
Happy
Healthy
honorable
kind
Loyal
are what I wish for the entirety of my self in this life, as well as for our tiny little newbie-to-come.

I recently ran into a former professor, who holds a special place in my heart.  I spent most of my days in grad school with her, discussing my hopes, my challenges, and everything in between.  I considered her one of my people, not just academically and professionally.

And then I graduated, and stayed in my Flagstaff life.  I married the man I met while finishing grad school, and now I'm carrying our first tiny human.

I ran into this professor, who I don't see but once every few months now, and it became very clear to me that I hadn't made her proud.

She immediately inquired about a friend who's about to enter into her PhD studies.

She then led into discussing a former student who had been published and was recently asked to sit on a national *something something* board for accomplished people.

She asked an intermittent question or two relating to my life.

And when the day ended, she left without saying goodbye.

She's not impressed by me.  I didn't meet her expectations.

This day sat with me for a while. A short while, but a while nonetheless.

I've had feelings of inadequacy before, and when I've gotten into this mood in the past it has lingered.. and festered.. and usually led to some kind of emotional pause. (or some new ridiculous project that I may or may never have finished.)

This time, though, was different.

I woke up the next day, spoke those 5 hopeful words to my little not-so-little womb, and realized
these words are for you, too, La.

And with that, those questions of "What more could I be doing?" or "Why isn't she proud of me?" turned to "Am I my happiest self?" and "Do I genuinely love my life?"

...To both of which I answered a resounding "YES!"

I truly am the happiest I've ever been in my life.

No, work is not always as FUN as I'd hoped work would be... but that's really okay.
 
and sure, I could use a few more projects.. there are always more projects.

I will feel a continued need to assess my role in this life, but from now on it will sound like this:

Am I geniunely happy?

Are my mind and body healthy?

Have I acted honorably?

Do I treat people with as much kindness as I have within me?

Am I a loyal friend and companion?

...and if the answer continues to be yes, I will take a break from asking and continue enjoying this abundant life, surrounded by those I love and appreciate.

Love to you and yours, and to the asking and hoping for happiness and health.


**OH YEAH. Since I only blog every few months, I must take this chance to celebrate the opening of Davo's newest baby, Proper, in Tucson NEXT WEEKEND! Holy moly.  Talk about experiencing life in abundance.... between my excitement for the opening, my sadness while Davo is away, and the joy/exhaustion/curiousity surrounding Baby Smith I'm at NO loss for emotions these days. Check out Proper's facebook page for updates and come by and see us once we're open!!**
 

.crazypants.

I promised myself that I wouldn't blog solely about being pregnant now that my body's creating a human, but today's entry simply cannot be avoided.

My sleep habits have always involved heavy sleep, lots of it, and vivid dreams. Not necessarily waking dreams, where you're awakened and feel like you're still in the dream, but I nearly ALWAYS remember the dreams that I have, and in extreme detail. Two days a week, my entire life, I've remembered my dreams in great detail.

If you have these types of dreaming behaviors, and plan on becoming pregnant, watch the F out.

My dreams have gone from vivid and twice a week to TOTALLY CRAZYPANTS and every night.

I used to keep a dream journal, and I keep toying with the idea of beginning it once again, but it takes a lot for me to turn the light on, grab my journal, and spend time writing (rather than just going back to sleep, which I am also, thankfully, able to do.)

Some of my dreams I have unfortunately forgotten, but the most recent I'm certain I will never forget.  I'll try to list the dreams I remember having since I've been pregnant, ending with the most unforgettable (some of them are icky and a little dark and twisty, so be prepared):

In 90% of my preggo dreams someone from my past has been involved.  Most often it's been someone from elementary/middle/high school who I haven't talked to in a million years.

During one dream, I attended the rehearsal dinner of someone who I considered a close friend (who, in reality, I've known since 4th grade but have never been true friends with) and proceeded to get into a fight with her, involving the classiest hair-pulling episode you can imagine. This person was one of the wealthiest I've ever met, so, apparently, (in my dreams) even cat fights are classy when you're loaded.

There was a dream in which I was pushing a toddler-aged boy around in a grocery cart, and he wouldn't stop throwing up all over himself. EW.

I've had dreams about two of my ex-boyfriends. Nothing too exciting, don't get crazy. In one I congratulated him on his new baby. And in the other we were walking around the mall. so random.

In one dream I had some very g-rated lady-on-lady make out time with one of my girlfriends. Never had a g-rated lady-on-lady make out sesh, nor have I wanted to, which makes this one especially perplexing.

I've had two dreams about one of Davo's ex-girlfriends. In one of them we were besties, and in the other I was wierdly jealous of her.

At some point I dreamt that I was in a group volunteering on the Gaza strip, and we were walking through the streets of one side I don't remember which when the other decided to bomb us.  As we ran out of the danger zone, I passed the wall dividing the two enemy sides, and to my left was a field full of small, round bombs.  The road on which I was running was thick with mud, and I couldn't run fast enough to get away. As I stood there, stuck in the mud, all of the tiny bombs started lighting up, indicating their imminent detonation. I awoke just before I was blown into tiny bits.

I had a dream that I was surrounded by people telling me I was beautiful. Please see the previous post about how UNsexy I feel these days in order to understand this one.

A while back I dreamt that I was in my high school (not my reality high school, but my dream high school), and Davo and I were wandering around, trying to find a room where we could make out.  We never got caught, but never accomplished our goal.

AND, last but not least, my most recent and least forgettable dream:

I was in some mansion with all white walls, and I could jump and fly around as needed.  I was being chased by the goblin from The Descent (awesome, disgusting, scary-ass B-movie from 2006) and, if you've seen the movie, you know that these goblins are blind (naturally.) So, as it chased me, I was repeatedly able to scoot away without being seen.  I was finally trapped by the white, slimy creature, and as he pinned me down he breathed "THE MONSTER EATS WHAT THE MONSTER MEETS" into my face and his spirit entered my mouth. As this happened, I felt an intense quiver all over my body and woke up.
what. the. eff.





Yep. That's the one.
 

So, there you have it. A very brief summation of some of the crazy person dreams I've had since being pregnant.

 

One of my friends reports that her daughter came to her in a dream; some beautiful, etherial representation of the child she would soon meet.

 

Others speak of dreaming about the birth of their babies.

 

I dream of goblins and lesbian make-out sessions.

 

Anyone care to interpret?

 

Does the goblin represent my baby, who has invaded my body so that it no longer feels like my own?

 

Why is the lil' dude puking in the grocery cart??

 

What the HELL is the Gaza strip dream all about?!

 

Do ANY of these dreams mean anything, or are they simply the results of the crazy hormoines pulsing through my body?

As I type up all of these dreams, part of me cringes at the idea of revealing something so vulnerable about myself for all the world to read.

 

But then, I often wish we would all be so exposed. I believe it brings us closer together, and hopefully makes some of us feel a little less crazypants.

 

...unless I'm the only pregnant person who ever has crazy dreams similar to these. In which case, I just feel more crazypants.

 

To be serious, every time I wake up from one of these dreams I feel a little anxious, wondering why my psyche is able/feels the need to create such intense fantasies. 

 

I'm at an exceptionally happy place in my life, so it seems that my dreams should reflect those emotions, doesn't it?

 

I do admit that I haven't loved being pregnant so far.

 

 It hasn't been the easiest road for me.  BUT, I haven't lost sight of the excitement and wonder of what is to come, and it surely hasn't taken away from my happiness. It's done quite the opposite; I appreciate my job more, Davo and I are communicating better than ever, and I daydream about what our little is going to look like every day.  I wonder what the munchkin will sound like, whose eyes they'll have, and what they will love. 

 

Until next time.... I'll continue to dream, hopefully they'll get lighter and fluffier, and if anyone out there has similar dream experiences to share I'm 

ready to hear all about them.

 

Word of the day: crazypants. Use it in a sentence today or tomorrow. You'll like it, I promise.

 

love to you. and you. and you.







Well, it's too cold for Birkenstocks.....

....but we're PREGNANT!!! Woop woooooop!!!!

:)

Apparently I'm a good-news-blogger; I haven't been here since 2 weeks after our wedding, and you may not hear from me until after I give birth. 

Maybe absence has made your heart grow fonder?

...or maybe you're wondering why I even still visit my blog at all!

either way, here I am, 11 weeks pregnant, and happier than I've ever been in my whole life.

So far I can summarize the pregnancy experience in the next few words:

             nauseated                    excited              
 nauseated                  sleepy               nauseated
                hopeful                  nauseated              
  curious                   nauseated                 blessed

..........did I mention nauseated??

To be completely serious, I've been thinking a lot lately about all of the anecdotes you come across relating to pregnancy (there is more anecdotal information about pregnancy than ANY OTHER TOPIC on the planet. I guarantee that.) Some of it is very informative, and some of it (as my friend Vani would say) is just BUNK.

Your skin is going to get so bad, you'll feel like you're back in high school.

The weight that I gained went straight to my ass, and I no longer recognized it as my own.

Your boobs will hurt SO BAD that you won't want your husband to breathe near them...

When I was pregnant all I could eat was pasta and processed cheese products.

Hot tubs, herbal teas, caffeine, booze, soft cheeses, sprouts; you know, all those things you used to LOVE?? You won't even miss them by the second trimester.

You're going to feel reeeeally sexy and want to do it all the time. And sex is stress-relieving, so you should.

.....and the list goes on.

While most/all/some/whatever of these might be 100% true, my concern is that women (and their partners) may be missing out on become distracted from some of the REAL important stuff by focusing on these tales.

The "real" stuff I speak of is as follows:

YOU'RE HAVING A BABY.
You're creating a human.
You're bringing a life into the world. 
You are soon going to be the life force for another living thing. 
....and, most importantly in my opinion, you will soon get to love and be loved in a way you have never felt before.
            
So, my boobs hurt, I'm gassy all the time, I've gained three pounds (apparently in my face,) and I don't really feel sexy. ever.

When I'm done with these minor inconvenienes, I will have accomplished the coolest and most mind-blowing thing I've ever dreamed of, and I'll have a new being to share love with.

Thanks for listening.

and thanks to the Creator of this life, whoever/whatever/however You exist, for the blessings that are my love-filled days. 

Could I look more exhausted?? But oh, so happy...

(((There are 1.5 solid lines on that pregnancy test... which apparently means PREGGO. It took us a while to figure out what 1.5 solid lines meant, but by test #5 we were pretty sure...)))

I wanna be pregnant in Birkenstocks.

Got your attention with that one, I bet.....

True statement: I do, eventually, want to be pregnant. in Birkenstocks. I'll let you know when that happens.

SO, it's been 6 months since my last entry. Life has been quite busy since January, sooooo let's begin:

I'm officially a Mrs. 

(((!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)))

for the record, while it may be unnecessary to REstate, I deeply believe that everyone should have the right to legally become a Mr./Mrs. I pray every day that it happens within my lifetime.

Here comes a quick not-so-quick summation of all of the amazing things that have happened in the last month...

The wedding was lovely and beyond anything we thought we'd accomplish.  I've never enjoyed eating crawfish more, and even ended up doing the cliche cake-in-the-face move. I loved every minute of it. Davo could've lived with out the cake face. ;)

A glass was dropped off of the balcony, we started 30 minutes late, and the parking lot on the invites wasn't the parking lot we had reserved. 

Wabi Sabi.

And then.......

I worked for a few days, went through an emotional "joy hangover," and re-upped the joy on our way to southern Utah for our honeymoon. 

And then...

Driving through Zion was close to God; I can't imagine the connection I would've felt had I gotten to climb around in there a little.  I'll be back.  Escalante was hottttttt, but calf creek falls was stunning.  Hells' Backbone Grill in Boulder, UT was sweet, and in a LOVELY setting.  (((I mention nothing about the food, you'll notice.)))  Camping outside of Boulder was like camping at home in Flagstaff, but in the middle of nowhere with a creek outside of the tent.  Three of my favorite things in one place (Flagstaff, Creek, Husband); it was my favorite night of the whole trip.  Moab was hotter than Escalante, BUT the bike ride above the rim of Canyonlands was unforgettable.

...HOWEVER, the bike gear we left on the sidewalk outside of our car was apparently VERY forgettable. The Dead Horse Point visitors' center staff were incredibly helpful and we came home to a box full of our helmets, gloves, CAMERA, and snacks.  Thankful for kind strangers on that day.

And then....

Telluride happened. A couple days of alone time with my handsome man, including some sweet birthday time, and then bluegrass.  Minus the sickness caused by a combination of allergies, smoke, dust, and a respiratory infection it was the best bluegrass yet.  John Fogerty kicked some serious ass, and a good marshmallow fight while listening to Yonder will always make me smile.

Now that that's out of the way.......

Today I have two words on my mind: flexibility and forgiveness. Today these words mean that I do my best to eat healthy, live positively, and support values I believe in. And when I don't, I forgive myself and hope those around me do the same. I believe in supporting a world where we all eat (what I call) "happy meat," but every once in a while I'm so hungry or something just sounds good enough that I'll take a bite of unhappy meat.  I value guiding my life with healthy, productive practices (i.e. avoiding high fructose corn syrup, exercising, being nice to people) BUT I reeeeally appreciate the flexibility and forgiveness that comes on the days when I'm just not at my best.  That said, I will continue to do my best to support the consumption of local, happy foods of all kinds, I will try reeeeally hard to stay positive and perky as much as I possibly can, and I thank you all in advance for understanding when it's just not as easy as I'd like it to be.

love to you.

~*la*~ ((SMITH!)) :)

Sedona, humanitarian politics, and Bill Gates

Three thoughts so far today that I'd like to share:

a.) Sedona with the pups (and a few wonderful peeps) yesterday was a hugely needed day of sunshine and exercise.  The feeling of sweat and dirt all over my body never fails to get me back to feeling like myself again. 

b.) I was going to go on a rant about Rick Santorum and his unworthiness of presidential candidacy, but instead I'll simply try to describe my view of politics.  I believe that in order to lead people, one needs to love people.  All people. I also understand that you need insight, some serious guts, and even more revolutionary thought. For the record, I do think Obama posesses all of these traits, and that he also has the potential to make things happen. I think he has a lot of factors stacked against him right now, and I don't think he's figured out how to make all of his ideas a reality yet.  Just for the record.

3.) Maybe Bill Gates should run for president.  In his 2012 annual letter he covered the complex issue of development, with which he has great amounts of experience. To sum it up incredibly briefly: if we put our time and money into helping developing communities, as well as improving our own education system, our society (locally and globally) will flourish in the future.
((you really should read it for yourself: http://www.gatesfoundation.org/annual-letter/2012/Pages/home-en.aspx#familyplanning))

Gates covered several issues including vaccinations to keep our children healthy, teaching skills in order to promote sustainable agriculture, as well as the distribution of contraceptives and sexual education in order to halt a rapdily increasing world population.

My apologies to any who agree with Mr. Santorum, but compared to his belief that homosexuality shouldn't exist lest it take over the world and people stop making babies, Gates' realistic, humanitarian efforts to make our world a better place make some serious sense.

If I'm right, Bill Gates might just be the man for the job.  He obviously makes things happen (The Global Fund raises billions of dollars each year for research and treatment of disease in developing countries; and the U.S. Fund is currently doing research in peer evaluation and other measures to improve our country's education system). He clearly has a genuine love for human beings, and he clearly has guts.  Not to mention insight and a nack for revolutionary action.

Wow. How's that for a rant?? This might be the only politically-driven entry you'll ever get from me.  I hope it made sense.

On a lighter note.....

We've lined up our caterer, our cake maker, and have narrowed down our choices for live music to TWO, so the wedding planning is coming along! yayyyy!

Now... if only we could figure out how to fit 150 people in our backyard comfortably.....

We'll do our best.

Ta ta for now. Love to you all.

oh, hey!

ARGH it's been two months since my last entry. I'm completely comfortable placing blame in this situation, and the blame goes to......

the holidays. obviously.

Thanksgiving was lovely, Christmas was a much-needed break from reality, and (I think I may have said this for at least the past four years) I've never been so excited to celebrate the beginning of a new year. ever.

And, so, here we are.

Restarting the blog, planning a wedding, thinking about babies (all the time), and enjoying every "in with the good air, out with the bad."
Speaking of breathing and meditation...

"I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear." ~ MLK, Jr.

Please breathe with that one for a moment.

(((((                 )))))

As I began this new year, I vowed that I would FINISH at least FIVE days of the MASTER CLEANSE!!!

You know, the one where you drink NOTHING but LEMONADE (made with cayenne pepper and maple syrup) and LAXATIVES for up to 40 days.

I began with the initial goal of five days, and on day two I was feeling GREAT, contemplating making it a full TEN days.
and then I googled it, and read a bunch of stuff enlightening me on how much I did NOT really want to do it.
... and I made it through 48 approximately 42 hours.
but I tried so hard.
nope, I didn't.

Since then I have begun my mornings with a detoxifying juice, followed by grapefruit, to give my metabolism that boost that actually does make me feel great.  If you want the recipe I'd be happy to share.
I'd also be happy to share the author/title of the book where I found it, since I obviously didn't just make up this magic juice.

Minus the food poisoning I got after my lovely sushi date night last weekend, I'm feeling great these days. I'm running and working out when I feel like it, I'm eating great, and I'm happy.

On THAT note, I'd like to end my first entry of 2012 with my first DIY step-by-step!
YAYYYYY!!!!

I wrote a thank you note to our family's lovely friend Kathy, (who has so generously created/contributed a GORGEOUS set of earrings to my wedding attire.) and I got inspired.  I had seen something about spray painting lace on Etsy Pinterest while looking through wedding stuff with my mom recently,  and decided I'd try to spruce up that lame-o thank you note a bit and do it MYself. Check it out:

((( Thanks go to Crystle for introducing me to Pinterest, i.e. this generation's version of CRACK ))))

Step 1 - get stuff

Step 2 - lay lace over notecard and spray

Voila.



Stick with love. 

~*la*~ 

"Ethnic".. and other complicated words

Davo recently bought me the book Semantic Antics: How and why words change meaning, which is structured like a dictionary of sorts, allowing you to read the history of how specific words have changed over the years.  For example, the entry for the word "wierd" is found under "W" and reads as if you were looking into the pages of a dictionary, except you instead find the word's definitions from 1400, 1605, and 1816; and they're all different.


Of course, I love it.

 Soon after receiving this book, my friends and I got into a discussion about the word "ethnic."  I used it casually in conversation, and was alerted of my friend's sensitivity to the word.  In my mind, I thought, "'ethnic' just refers to unique groups of people. Yes, sure, some people have misused it ((see: ethnic cleansing)) but the word in itself isn't hurtful/hateful/ignorant..." And, so, I assumed I'd be able to look to my new book to find the history of the word and how it changed.  "Ethnic", however, is not in my fabulous new book; boo.    This word has been on my brain all week, so, naturally, I looked up a few ideas/opinions on the subject. 

I found an article, written in 1975 by Vladimir Menart, Deputy Chairman of the New South Wales Ethnic Communities’ Council in which he states:

The meaning of a word depends on its usage.The Greeks who originated the word "Ethnic" still use it in the sense in which other Continental Europeans use the word "National". In this sense of the word everyone is an "Ethnic"... I believe that in this sense "Ethnic" should be defined by us as meaning peoples, communities and activities having a separate and particular language culture background.

(((((((((((((This was MY definition of the word, just stated much more gracefully)))))))))))))))))

The other school of thought could perhaps prefer to define "Ethnic" as applying only to minorities consistent with the American usage of the word ... 

...Having in mind all the pros and cons I am inclined to think that the word "Ethnic" should be defined in the sense nearest to the original Greek usage of the word. If the minority aspect is to be stressed the word "Minority" can be added to "Ethnic". But whatever we do let us make the definition short and to the point. Long definitions mean more words and more words mean more problems.

Thank you, Mr. Menart, for being so articulate and giving me warm fuzzies. 

However, I believe his statement, "the meaning of a word depends on its usage" can be taken two ways:

I can defend my use of hateful words because my intention is not hateful.

OR

Words that are historically or generally used hatefully should be accepted as hateful and not used lightly.

I think we need to keep both meanings in mind, but, as many of you know, I tend to agree with the latter of the two.

I don't mean everyone should stop using all words that may be taken the wrong way.

I simply mean we should think before we speak, and we should think about who we're talking to when we do speak. 

...and, if you just don't care about offending people, do what you want; just don't be surprised when certain people seem to not want to talk to you.

Please please please, to any of you reading this, if I EVER say something to offend you, let me know.  Speak up.  Information is the key to healthy, respectful communication.

 Love love love to all, even those of you whose language I sometimes find hard to hear :)

PS: Kim Kardashian got married, and then got a divorce. Can someone remind me why I should care?

PPS: I'm confused by Herman Cain.  Can someone explain Herman Cain to me?

PPPS: If you love bluegrass and/or Yo Yo Ma, PLEASE check out the Goat Rodeo Sessions. AMAZE.

*****My friend Ronak and Rachelle, who started this whole "ethnic" discussion, just sent me to this article regarding ethnic food... an issue I meant to touch on, but didn't. Read on. It's a good one: ******
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970203476804576616682225637832.html