Happy. healthy. honorable. kind. loyal.

my 5 words for baby Smith.

I wake up, I breathe into them.

I lay down, I speak them to little Smith.

As my life evolves, I realize that these 5 words:
Happy
Healthy
honorable
kind
Loyal
are what I wish for the entirety of my self in this life, as well as for our tiny little newbie-to-come.

I recently ran into a former professor, who holds a special place in my heart.  I spent most of my days in grad school with her, discussing my hopes, my challenges, and everything in between.  I considered her one of my people, not just academically and professionally.

And then I graduated, and stayed in my Flagstaff life.  I married the man I met while finishing grad school, and now I'm carrying our first tiny human.

I ran into this professor, who I don't see but once every few months now, and it became very clear to me that I hadn't made her proud.

She immediately inquired about a friend who's about to enter into her PhD studies.

She then led into discussing a former student who had been published and was recently asked to sit on a national *something something* board for accomplished people.

She asked an intermittent question or two relating to my life.

And when the day ended, she left without saying goodbye.

She's not impressed by me.  I didn't meet her expectations.

This day sat with me for a while. A short while, but a while nonetheless.

I've had feelings of inadequacy before, and when I've gotten into this mood in the past it has lingered.. and festered.. and usually led to some kind of emotional pause. (or some new ridiculous project that I may or may never have finished.)

This time, though, was different.

I woke up the next day, spoke those 5 hopeful words to my little not-so-little womb, and realized
these words are for you, too, La.

And with that, those questions of "What more could I be doing?" or "Why isn't she proud of me?" turned to "Am I my happiest self?" and "Do I genuinely love my life?"

...To both of which I answered a resounding "YES!"

I truly am the happiest I've ever been in my life.

No, work is not always as FUN as I'd hoped work would be... but that's really okay.
 
and sure, I could use a few more projects.. there are always more projects.

I will feel a continued need to assess my role in this life, but from now on it will sound like this:

Am I geniunely happy?

Are my mind and body healthy?

Have I acted honorably?

Do I treat people with as much kindness as I have within me?

Am I a loyal friend and companion?

...and if the answer continues to be yes, I will take a break from asking and continue enjoying this abundant life, surrounded by those I love and appreciate.

Love to you and yours, and to the asking and hoping for happiness and health.


**OH YEAH. Since I only blog every few months, I must take this chance to celebrate the opening of Davo's newest baby, Proper, in Tucson NEXT WEEKEND! Holy moly.  Talk about experiencing life in abundance.... between my excitement for the opening, my sadness while Davo is away, and the joy/exhaustion/curiousity surrounding Baby Smith I'm at NO loss for emotions these days. Check out Proper's facebook page for updates and come by and see us once we're open!!**