Happy. healthy. honorable. kind. loyal.

my 5 words for baby Smith.

I wake up, I breathe into them.

I lay down, I speak them to little Smith.

As my life evolves, I realize that these 5 words:
Happy
Healthy
honorable
kind
Loyal
are what I wish for the entirety of my self in this life, as well as for our tiny little newbie-to-come.

I recently ran into a former professor, who holds a special place in my heart.  I spent most of my days in grad school with her, discussing my hopes, my challenges, and everything in between.  I considered her one of my people, not just academically and professionally.

And then I graduated, and stayed in my Flagstaff life.  I married the man I met while finishing grad school, and now I'm carrying our first tiny human.

I ran into this professor, who I don't see but once every few months now, and it became very clear to me that I hadn't made her proud.

She immediately inquired about a friend who's about to enter into her PhD studies.

She then led into discussing a former student who had been published and was recently asked to sit on a national *something something* board for accomplished people.

She asked an intermittent question or two relating to my life.

And when the day ended, she left without saying goodbye.

She's not impressed by me.  I didn't meet her expectations.

This day sat with me for a while. A short while, but a while nonetheless.

I've had feelings of inadequacy before, and when I've gotten into this mood in the past it has lingered.. and festered.. and usually led to some kind of emotional pause. (or some new ridiculous project that I may or may never have finished.)

This time, though, was different.

I woke up the next day, spoke those 5 hopeful words to my little not-so-little womb, and realized
these words are for you, too, La.

And with that, those questions of "What more could I be doing?" or "Why isn't she proud of me?" turned to "Am I my happiest self?" and "Do I genuinely love my life?"

...To both of which I answered a resounding "YES!"

I truly am the happiest I've ever been in my life.

No, work is not always as FUN as I'd hoped work would be... but that's really okay.
 
and sure, I could use a few more projects.. there are always more projects.

I will feel a continued need to assess my role in this life, but from now on it will sound like this:

Am I geniunely happy?

Are my mind and body healthy?

Have I acted honorably?

Do I treat people with as much kindness as I have within me?

Am I a loyal friend and companion?

...and if the answer continues to be yes, I will take a break from asking and continue enjoying this abundant life, surrounded by those I love and appreciate.

Love to you and yours, and to the asking and hoping for happiness and health.


**OH YEAH. Since I only blog every few months, I must take this chance to celebrate the opening of Davo's newest baby, Proper, in Tucson NEXT WEEKEND! Holy moly.  Talk about experiencing life in abundance.... between my excitement for the opening, my sadness while Davo is away, and the joy/exhaustion/curiousity surrounding Baby Smith I'm at NO loss for emotions these days. Check out Proper's facebook page for updates and come by and see us once we're open!!**
 

.crazypants.

I promised myself that I wouldn't blog solely about being pregnant now that my body's creating a human, but today's entry simply cannot be avoided.

My sleep habits have always involved heavy sleep, lots of it, and vivid dreams. Not necessarily waking dreams, where you're awakened and feel like you're still in the dream, but I nearly ALWAYS remember the dreams that I have, and in extreme detail. Two days a week, my entire life, I've remembered my dreams in great detail.

If you have these types of dreaming behaviors, and plan on becoming pregnant, watch the F out.

My dreams have gone from vivid and twice a week to TOTALLY CRAZYPANTS and every night.

I used to keep a dream journal, and I keep toying with the idea of beginning it once again, but it takes a lot for me to turn the light on, grab my journal, and spend time writing (rather than just going back to sleep, which I am also, thankfully, able to do.)

Some of my dreams I have unfortunately forgotten, but the most recent I'm certain I will never forget.  I'll try to list the dreams I remember having since I've been pregnant, ending with the most unforgettable (some of them are icky and a little dark and twisty, so be prepared):

In 90% of my preggo dreams someone from my past has been involved.  Most often it's been someone from elementary/middle/high school who I haven't talked to in a million years.

During one dream, I attended the rehearsal dinner of someone who I considered a close friend (who, in reality, I've known since 4th grade but have never been true friends with) and proceeded to get into a fight with her, involving the classiest hair-pulling episode you can imagine. This person was one of the wealthiest I've ever met, so, apparently, (in my dreams) even cat fights are classy when you're loaded.

There was a dream in which I was pushing a toddler-aged boy around in a grocery cart, and he wouldn't stop throwing up all over himself. EW.

I've had dreams about two of my ex-boyfriends. Nothing too exciting, don't get crazy. In one I congratulated him on his new baby. And in the other we were walking around the mall. so random.

In one dream I had some very g-rated lady-on-lady make out time with one of my girlfriends. Never had a g-rated lady-on-lady make out sesh, nor have I wanted to, which makes this one especially perplexing.

I've had two dreams about one of Davo's ex-girlfriends. In one of them we were besties, and in the other I was wierdly jealous of her.

At some point I dreamt that I was in a group volunteering on the Gaza strip, and we were walking through the streets of one side I don't remember which when the other decided to bomb us.  As we ran out of the danger zone, I passed the wall dividing the two enemy sides, and to my left was a field full of small, round bombs.  The road on which I was running was thick with mud, and I couldn't run fast enough to get away. As I stood there, stuck in the mud, all of the tiny bombs started lighting up, indicating their imminent detonation. I awoke just before I was blown into tiny bits.

I had a dream that I was surrounded by people telling me I was beautiful. Please see the previous post about how UNsexy I feel these days in order to understand this one.

A while back I dreamt that I was in my high school (not my reality high school, but my dream high school), and Davo and I were wandering around, trying to find a room where we could make out.  We never got caught, but never accomplished our goal.

AND, last but not least, my most recent and least forgettable dream:

I was in some mansion with all white walls, and I could jump and fly around as needed.  I was being chased by the goblin from The Descent (awesome, disgusting, scary-ass B-movie from 2006) and, if you've seen the movie, you know that these goblins are blind (naturally.) So, as it chased me, I was repeatedly able to scoot away without being seen.  I was finally trapped by the white, slimy creature, and as he pinned me down he breathed "THE MONSTER EATS WHAT THE MONSTER MEETS" into my face and his spirit entered my mouth. As this happened, I felt an intense quiver all over my body and woke up.
what. the. eff.





Yep. That's the one.
 

So, there you have it. A very brief summation of some of the crazy person dreams I've had since being pregnant.

 

One of my friends reports that her daughter came to her in a dream; some beautiful, etherial representation of the child she would soon meet.

 

Others speak of dreaming about the birth of their babies.

 

I dream of goblins and lesbian make-out sessions.

 

Anyone care to interpret?

 

Does the goblin represent my baby, who has invaded my body so that it no longer feels like my own?

 

Why is the lil' dude puking in the grocery cart??

 

What the HELL is the Gaza strip dream all about?!

 

Do ANY of these dreams mean anything, or are they simply the results of the crazy hormoines pulsing through my body?

As I type up all of these dreams, part of me cringes at the idea of revealing something so vulnerable about myself for all the world to read.

 

But then, I often wish we would all be so exposed. I believe it brings us closer together, and hopefully makes some of us feel a little less crazypants.

 

...unless I'm the only pregnant person who ever has crazy dreams similar to these. In which case, I just feel more crazypants.

 

To be serious, every time I wake up from one of these dreams I feel a little anxious, wondering why my psyche is able/feels the need to create such intense fantasies. 

 

I'm at an exceptionally happy place in my life, so it seems that my dreams should reflect those emotions, doesn't it?

 

I do admit that I haven't loved being pregnant so far.

 

 It hasn't been the easiest road for me.  BUT, I haven't lost sight of the excitement and wonder of what is to come, and it surely hasn't taken away from my happiness. It's done quite the opposite; I appreciate my job more, Davo and I are communicating better than ever, and I daydream about what our little is going to look like every day.  I wonder what the munchkin will sound like, whose eyes they'll have, and what they will love. 

 

Until next time.... I'll continue to dream, hopefully they'll get lighter and fluffier, and if anyone out there has similar dream experiences to share I'm 

ready to hear all about them.

 

Word of the day: crazypants. Use it in a sentence today or tomorrow. You'll like it, I promise.

 

love to you. and you. and you.







Well, it's too cold for Birkenstocks.....

....but we're PREGNANT!!! Woop woooooop!!!!

:)

Apparently I'm a good-news-blogger; I haven't been here since 2 weeks after our wedding, and you may not hear from me until after I give birth. 

Maybe absence has made your heart grow fonder?

...or maybe you're wondering why I even still visit my blog at all!

either way, here I am, 11 weeks pregnant, and happier than I've ever been in my whole life.

So far I can summarize the pregnancy experience in the next few words:

             nauseated                    excited              
 nauseated                  sleepy               nauseated
                hopeful                  nauseated              
  curious                   nauseated                 blessed

..........did I mention nauseated??

To be completely serious, I've been thinking a lot lately about all of the anecdotes you come across relating to pregnancy (there is more anecdotal information about pregnancy than ANY OTHER TOPIC on the planet. I guarantee that.) Some of it is very informative, and some of it (as my friend Vani would say) is just BUNK.

Your skin is going to get so bad, you'll feel like you're back in high school.

The weight that I gained went straight to my ass, and I no longer recognized it as my own.

Your boobs will hurt SO BAD that you won't want your husband to breathe near them...

When I was pregnant all I could eat was pasta and processed cheese products.

Hot tubs, herbal teas, caffeine, booze, soft cheeses, sprouts; you know, all those things you used to LOVE?? You won't even miss them by the second trimester.

You're going to feel reeeeally sexy and want to do it all the time. And sex is stress-relieving, so you should.

.....and the list goes on.

While most/all/some/whatever of these might be 100% true, my concern is that women (and their partners) may be missing out on become distracted from some of the REAL important stuff by focusing on these tales.

The "real" stuff I speak of is as follows:

YOU'RE HAVING A BABY.
You're creating a human.
You're bringing a life into the world. 
You are soon going to be the life force for another living thing. 
....and, most importantly in my opinion, you will soon get to love and be loved in a way you have never felt before.
            
So, my boobs hurt, I'm gassy all the time, I've gained three pounds (apparently in my face,) and I don't really feel sexy. ever.

When I'm done with these minor inconvenienes, I will have accomplished the coolest and most mind-blowing thing I've ever dreamed of, and I'll have a new being to share love with.

Thanks for listening.

and thanks to the Creator of this life, whoever/whatever/however You exist, for the blessings that are my love-filled days. 

Could I look more exhausted?? But oh, so happy...

(((There are 1.5 solid lines on that pregnancy test... which apparently means PREGGO. It took us a while to figure out what 1.5 solid lines meant, but by test #5 we were pretty sure...)))